


how to destroy an endless circle

by semioticdaydream



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Loss, M/M, Medical Procedures, Memory Loss, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Canon Compliant, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25812970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/semioticdaydream/pseuds/semioticdaydream
Summary: There is something pulling at the back of Steve's mind. Why can't he remember it?
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 10
Kudos: 18
Collections: Team Angst





	how to destroy an endless circle

**Author's Note:**

> For the Steve Tony games - prompt Wedding Rings.  
> Lots of angst over fading memories and losing something you can't remember.

The thick diameter of the band was an adjustment. It’s width was somewhat constricting to his finger’s movements, especially when training, but the foreign circle embracing his third digit quickly became an item that grounded him when he needed to be present. _Tony’s handiwork really is incredible,_ he mused, thumbing along the curved edge where vibranium met flesh. 

_____________

His eyes burst open abruptly, vision obscured by white - white was all he could see. Panting, dizzy, incoherent, he rolled his head to the side, he was forgetting something over there, he knew he was, but what was it - 

Bewildered brown eyes met his, and suddenly Steve felt like he could remember what he was supposed to be holding on to, if he could just stare a little bit longer - 

Something jerked away from his hand, and as the world slowly began to come into focus, he realized the face of a horrified Tony Stark was staring intensely at him, lost somewhere in confusion.

Instinctively, he felt his hand reach out, and Tony recoiled.

_____________

“What do you mean ‘just forget it?’” He bellowed, three drops of moisture falling to his hand. 

“What’s there to remember? We were manipulated, maybe even brainwashed, why can’t we just move on like it never happened?”

Steve clutched a hallowed piece of metal in his desperate grip. The pressure from his hold pressed the element into his skin, forcing a break in the flesh. Steve spun on his heels and left the room, inconspicuous drops of blood trailing behind. 

_____________

The gathering wasn’t huge, just the team, who had nothing better to do, at least according to Tony, who reminded them that as their landlord and benefactor he was aware of their schedules and this event was definitely of more excitement than anything else they had planned. No one had time to buy anything new, so they all wore their favorite outfits from over the years - Clint, a flannel shirt that still had all of its buttons, Bruce, a light-colored linen shirt with chinos that were freshly pressed, Natasha, a red bubble dress that she’d never had occasion to wear because it was too outstanding, and Thor, who excitedly wore clothes that were gifted to him from Rhodey who swore they were of the latest “midguardian” fashion, and comprised of a silver fish-scale sequin blazer with skin-tight leopard-print pants.

Steve found a crisp, blue button-down shirt, rolled the sleeves to his elbows so he wouldn’t have to make a decision about whether or not to wear cuff links, and displayed a crimson gladiolus on his chest. Tony, ever stylish, wore a flowing cream suit with a bold patterned button down. 

On the private rooftop garden of the tower, Rhodey officiated the intimate service. 

_And endless circle to remind you_

_Sturdy metal to divine you_

_This ring will bind you, eternally_

_____________

He couldn’t remember much, and what he did remember was dwindling with every passing second. But he remembered the sex. Nothing exactly specific, but he remembered the fluidity, a balanced giving and taking, the cohesive equity or tender, shared intimacy. He remembered the feeling - not the feeling of climax or release, but of peace and serenity and warmth afterward. The ineffable feeling of being Tony Stark’s lover. And he knew the ache and longing and absence that festered in the wake of these shared sensations. 

_____________

Fury approached them after the ceremony. “Gentlemen, I believe we need to talk.”

“Fury, how nice of you to join us-”

“-for the _after party,_ ” Tony added sarcastically. 

“That’s just what we need to discuss. Who calls their wedding reception an ‘after party?’”

“One Tony Stark, genius, billionaire, pla-”

“Alright, Stark, I think I’ve got it. You both feeling ok? In your right minds? Cause it’s not like I don’t support a good marriage, but something’s not adding up for me here.” Fury’s expression was unreadable as always, giving nothing about his intentions away. 

“Are you questioning our relationship, at our own _wedding_?” Tony said, aghast. 

“If you’d been here earlier, Director Fury, you would’ve been in time for the ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ line that’s so popular at weddings.” Steve wrapped his arms protectively around his husband. 

“Right, well, I’ve gotta speak to you, or forever you’ll have no peace.”

_____________

It was soft and sweet, tender and kind. Why couldn’t he return, find his way back, be with him in that place again? Where was it buried? Where did he find it, the shared fragile intimacy they enjoyed? He knew it was there, it existed somewhere, it couldn’t have been buried, stifled, smothered. It couldn’t have been an illusion. Why couldn’t he just find it again? _I want to go back, I want to go back..._

_____________

The workshop was dimly lit as Tony carefully inspected the metal under an illuminated magnifying glass. 

“Removing some of the vibranium won’t compromise the integrity of my shield?” Steve’s eyes were wide, curious, watching the inventor work. His imposing body was barely an inch from brushing against the genius. 

“Nah, babe, see here? If I carve out just a little from around this ring-” Tony traced a soot-stained finger along a thin, silver groove, “and remove the exact same amount from these two as well, your giant frisbee will still sail through the air just like always.”

“Just like always?”

“Just like always. And then, you’ll have an incredibly stylish, one-of-a-kind piece of artisan jewelry, from yours truly.” Tony turned away from the shield to shoot a wink to Steve. “I’m putting my heart into this for you,” his tone quickly turned serious, determined brown eyes burning into his own unwavering gaze.

Steve couldn’t help but to immediately remove the tools from the genius’ hands and wrestle him to the ground. So, the ring would get done tomorrow. Tony always worked well under a deadline, anyway. 

_____________

His room was dark and cold, and felt emptier than anything he’d ever experienced before. A stifling weight set heavy on his chest as he surveyed the room that felt so foreign, he was almost sure it couldn’t be his. 

Steve’s eyes settled on a light piece of paper next to his bed. He forced his sight into complete darkness, walked to the bed, and impulsively crumpled the paper in his hand. A few deep breaths later, and Steve still couldn’t bring himself to drop the ruined paper in the trash bin. 

_What are you doing, my love?_

_____________

“Alright, so Dr. Banner seems to have found the originating source.” Fury’s announcement startled the pair as he suddenly burst into the snow-white triage room. 

“Source of what?” Steve couldn’t suppress the worry bubbling inside of his stomach. 

“Of the alien tech that’s making you behave like this.” The Director was clearly losing patience. 

“Nothing’s making us do this. Why do you keep saying that?” Tony stood, tone biting, and Steve started to wonder if Tony really believed in the fight against Fury’s insistence. 

“The scans confirm the Chitauri managed to embed a small chip under your skin. _Not to worry_ , gentlemen.” He spoke loudly to curtail further protest. “Dr. Banner has created a mild toxin that will short circuit the device. The toxin may distort your memories from this time, but you’ll be back to your normal selves in a matter of hours. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say _normal_ , but you get my drift.” He’d already begun to exit the room before Steve could formulate a thought. 

“Woah woah woah, I’m not taking anything that’s gonna mess with my memories!” Incensed, Tony began to stomp after the Director. 

“I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.”

Tony stopped abruptly as the door thudded closed in his face. 

“Tony...what do we do?”

Unable to look at each other, a heavy silence seemed to drain the life from the sterile room. 

Finally, Tony mumbled, “I’ve gotta get some air,” as he pushed past the threshold. 

Alone with his thoughts, Steve came to understand what the phrase ‘deafening silence’ really meant. 

_____________

Hushed voices paused him as he was dressing for bed. Small rituals were the only things that held some semblance of logic in this upside down, nearly unrecognizable world. It took a moment to register the familiar tones, and a moment longer to comprehend why they were coming from just outside his door. Steve couldn’t help but freeze - without any will of his own to stop it, he allowed himself to overhear the conversation. 

“I mean, it must be especially difficult for them, living here with everyone, all of us _knowing._ ”

“You can offer them some support, Clint, instead of gossiping.”

“Yeah, well, gossiping’s more fun.”

“ _Clinton Barton_!”

“Hey, c’mon, I tried to talk to Tony. I _did_!”

“Ok, what did he say?”

“Now who wants to gossip?”

“God damnit, answer my question, or so help me-”

“Fine, fine! He just kinda brushed it off, said he didn’t remember anything. ‘There’s nothing to talk about if I don’t remember!’ That bullshit. Have you tried talking to Cap?”

“That’s why I’m here now, to check on him again.”

“What’d he say?”

“...he’s a mess. Couldn’t talk if he wanted to.”

Steve closed his eyes, suppressing the heat and sting growing behind his eyelids. He padded silently away from the door. The only sound he emitted was a soft clank of metal against metal as the vibranium circle suspended on a delicate chain swung side-to-side upon his chest. 

_____________

The smell of burning shook a jolt through his core whenever he thought he smelled it. If he heard heavy machinery, he turned the other way. 

_____________

Steve held a hand-scrawled note gingerly. 

_Stop by the top-floor workshop when you’re free, I’ve got something shiny I think you’ll like to see_

_Ooh, I’m a poet, don’t ya know it_

_-T_

A bright smile formed across his face, fueled by a warmth blooming inside of his core. He knew Tony could have always asked JARVIS to pass along the message, or even ask one of the other Avengers to do it, too, but Tony knew him so well. The physical paper requesting his presence was simple, but Steve cherished the thought Tony had put into its execution. He realized he was becoming overwhelmed by a piece of paper, when he was being summoned to see something even more meaningful than a note from the man he loved.

Steve set the note by his bed, and hurriedly followed instructions. When he arrived at the highest level of the tower, JARVIS admitted him to a vacant workshop. Just when he was about to give up, he saw a door ajar. Timidly, with anticipation, Steve wandered outside into the rooftop, then curved around the backside of the glass-paneled structure. Sure enough, Tony was there, with two glasses of light-colored liquid. He accepted the glass from an outstretched hand and took a sip. 

“Hmm...it’s sweet. Good. What is it?”

“Eh, just some sparkling juice. Non-alcoholic. Figured it doesn’t make a difference to you, and it should make a whole lot to me.”

“Thank you, Tony.” Steve couldn’t help but smile. The warmth filled him so full, he couldn’t help that every expression he displayed had to relieve some of what was bursting from within. 

“So...you wanna know why I brought you up here?” The brunet was smiling back, and shuffled his feet coyly to distract from his obvious insecurity. 

“Always with a plan, aren’t you?”

“Hey, someone’s gotta be prepared. So look, you like what you see?”

Steve looked around. They were in a rooftop garden, and for it being the center of New York, it was surprisingly quiet and peaceful. The sun shone warmly across crisp blue skies, views of the beautiful city sharp and clear. “This is amazing, Tony. I didn’t know you had a garden up here.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s nice, huh? I, uh, I actually meant _this_.” Steve turned back to see Tony holding out something small and metal, catching the sun in a bright glittering glow. Tentatively, he took it from the inventor’s hand. Shiny, polished silver wrapped in an endless loop, rolling at the edges in a rounded curve, such that the place where the metal ended didn’t even so much appear to be a defined edge, but an inviting slope continuing in its movement. The detailed craftsmanship was mesmerizing, but there was a soft turquoise glow emitting from the inside loop. Steve examined it closer, and gasped. 

“Is that- _is that-_?”

“I was able to create an inlay for a piece of my reactor. I told you I was putting my heart into this for you.” Tony was smiling smugly now, obviously pleased with himself. “It’s actually part of an identical pair…” He reached into his pocket to reveal a second, slightly smaller but matching ring. 

Steve was at a loss for words. He couldn’t wait any more, he had to try it on. Just as he started to try to place it on his finger, Tony’s warm and calloused hand stopped him. “Hey, don’t you wanna wait for tomorrow?” His smile was easy, and Steve felt so safe even when he was lost in those warm brown eyes. 

“Hmm...not really, I can’t wait until then.” He drew closer, wrapping his arms around the smaller man securely, tightly. Tony laughed, nuzzling into his broad chest.

“Alright. Today then.”

“What? You can’t be serious.” Steve was in disbelief. 

“I’ll just call the team up. 45 minutes. I can’t wait either. So, let’s do it.”

His head was spinning, there was so much to do, to think, to say. All he could manage was, “Where?”

Tony looked around, a mischievous grin lighting his face. “What better place than right here?”

_____________

His room was cold, and vast, and empty, empty, _empty_. Darkness filled his mind. He felt it growing and filling every space, sucking and consuming everything it encountered. He missed the warmth, he missed the light, he missed Tony. He couldn't breathe, his chest was clenched with an impossibly tight hold constricting his ability to breathe. 

How could there be pain from something so fleeting he couldn’t even properly remember? He was aching over the loss of something that was never meant to be his.

And yet, Steve had a gaping void within his body, he knew something had been ripped from his soul, and his memory was of waning reliability. 

He rolled over in the icy bed - a fading scent enticed him, both familiar and unknown at the same time. It started to drive him mad, as if the origin was something he should know, and yet he had no explanation for how it got there.

He sobbed with his whole body into the small hours of the morning, for once wishing to forget so completely that the pain could fade away, too.

_____________

“You gonna stay in my room tonight?”

“Is the team gonna have a problem with this?”

“If they don’t like it, they can leave the tower.”

“That’s not exactly equitable, Tony.”

“We’ll just have to invite them all to the wedding, then.”

“The, the _what_?”

“Steven Grant Rogers-”

“Oh, _Tony_ …”

_____________

“Do you think they’ll have to get a divorce?”

“Why wouldn’t they?”

“Well, I dunno, does the state of New York grant annulments based on forced alien weddings?”

“Oh so now you think it was forced?”

“I dunno, Nat, everyone’s saying it was. And they clearly don’t wanna be married now.”

“That’s what you think, huh?”

“You’ve seen them! They’re miserable, can’t even be in the same room as each other. Hey...do you think if they get divorced, we’ll have to move out?”

“They’re not our parents, Clint, _really_.”

“No, but you know what I mean! If they can’t stand to be around each other, Cap’s definitely gonna leave. But then he can’t be the only one on the team who doesn’t live here, so someone’ll have to go with him. But then it’ll be like we’re choosing sides, and...oh god, is this the end of the _team_?”

“Clint, calm down. Let’s take it one step at a time. Step one - let’s start talking to them.”

“And step two?”

“Get them to talk to each other.”

“You really think that will work?”

“Put them in a room together - what could go wrong?”

_____________

“Do you even have a ring?”

“I’ll make us rings.”

_____________

“...when I woke up in this era, I had no one. Nothing. You gave me a purpose, somewhere to belong…You gave me a home.”

_And you became my everything._

“You can still live here. You don’t have to lose your home just because of some _fucking aliens-_ ”

“If you’re serious about this, Tony, then I’ve already lost it.”

_____________

“You actually buy this story? Aliens made them do it? I dunno, I’m team ‘true love’ this time.”

“Dr. Banner and Fury are compellingly confident.”

“Ah, yes, my young bird friend. I’ve seen Chitauri sabotage similar to this before, and I’d not be surprised to learn this is another of their cruel manipulations.”

“But why? Why make them fall in love and get married? That’s some weird shit right there to force someone to do, even if it is aliens!”

“Fury and Hill think it has to do with Cap’s shield. It isn’t operating as it once did. Tony compromised it to make a wedding ring. And rumor is that he carved out a piece of his reactor to combine with the vibranium, but Stark won’t confirm.”

“What the hell? Isn’t that dangerous?”

“That would be a solid incentive for the Chitauri to coerce their minds. Compromising Captain Rogers’ shield and inflicting a flaw to Stark’s heart is a subtle strategy, be it that one well-planned attack should secure their demise.”

“How the hell’s Bruce gonna fix it?”

“Inject the boys with a mind-altering toxin to fry their mind-control.”

“So...is there a way to fix them? The shield and Stark’s reactor, I mean.”

“Tony’s gonna have to destroy the rings. That’s the only hope of restoring the shield and the reactor.”

“Do they really not remember _anything_?”

_____________

“Did you think love could last forever?”

“I didn’t ever think to try.”

Steve tightly grasped Tony’s hand, punctuated by a clang of metal hitting metal as their identical rings met. Something tried to distract his mind, questioning if he was trying hard enough. It was a thought easy to stifle as Tony began to nip at his neck. 

_____________

“Don’t come near me, Rogers! I don’t want any of this! You need to leave it alone, stop adding salt to the wound!”

“Are you wounded too, Tony? Do you hurt like I do? Do you feel the gaping hole in your body? Like something’s missing? Like you’re forgetting something important? I can’t let it go, I can’t let you go-”

_____________

It was a grueling battle, the culmination of days of work tracking down Loki, and the team could feel stability slipping through their fingers. 

Before he could process it, Steve saw Tony shoot into the sky, guiding a missile into the gaping circle in the sky. 

“What the hell’s he doing?” He didn’t need to ask, as he already knew the sacrifice Tony intended on making. Steve’s heart stopped, and he couldn’t breathe. His body was numb, it felt like he was slowly being overcome by the ice and frost again, just before he fell asleep -

A shout shook his mind, and he saw a glimmer of crimson in the sky. Hulk leapt to catch it, and as his body caught up to his mind, he ran to where the armor had landed. His heart was in his chest, he’d seen soldiers in his company succumb before, but this, this was different, Tony wasn’t a soldier, he wasn’t a fellow GI, he was different, he was -

A loud bellow emptied his thoughts. Then, brown eyes were all he could think of. 

_____________

“I can still hear him, Natasha. I don’t care what he’s telling everyone, I still remember...I still remember so much. I can still feel him on my skin, taste him on my tongue…”

“I know, Steve. It’s bad, I know.” Crouched close, the redhead pressed her hands firmly to his shoulders. 

“I can’t take this ring off,” he grumbled resentfully.

“Oh, honey, here, let me help you with that-” Natasha reached out with a steady hand, rendered ineffectual by Steve jerking away.

“What do I do? How do I fix this? How do I get him back?” His tone was biting as Steve’s watery eyes implored up at Natasha, but as quickly as he caught her focus, he averted his gaze again.

“You...want him back?” Natasha recoiled for an imperceptible moment before leaning closer to Steve, a weak attempt to console him.

“It’s fading away from me, I’m fighting to remember...but I know it’ll all be gone soon. _This is all I have._ ” His voice was distant, removed, he was lost, somewhere far away, held by a fleeting, false memory he should feel guilty for chasing, an experience that wasn’t his to have.

“I’m sorry, Steve. But you do understand why this is so important, don’t you?” Something tugged at Steve’s brain, the genuine attempt the Widow was making to be gentle with her merciless request was not lost on the captain. As quickly as he was distracted by the fleeting warmth, his mind fell to the perfect circle embracing his third digit.

“...he made this for me, didn’t he? And, he made one for himself, too.”

“...he did.”

He didn’t want to ask it, but like the wind, it could not be contained and slipped from his unwilling lips. “What did he do with his ring?”

“It’s already been dismantled.” Her soft, numb, truthful reply was the icy steel blade sinking in, a quick burst of shock, then a burning emanated, filling his chest slowly, completely.

“I won’t have anything left, Natasha.” His voice was nothing but a broken whisper, a plea to an absent god.

“You’ll still have Tony. You’ll fight for him now, won’t you?”

Steve’s broken sobs were the only reply Natasha would receive.

_____________

“Please tell me nobody kissed me.”

“Would that really be so bad?”

“Oh thank god, I just didn’t want to miss it.”

“Miss what?”

The kiss was salty with sweat, greedy, indulgent, relieving. A tiny jolt of electricity burned his neck, and he pulled away abruptly in surprise of the foreign sensation. _I guess that’s what kissing Tony Stark feels like - electric._ He attributed the shock to the armor. Undeterred, he dipped his mouth for more.

_____________

“I can’t forget what happened!”

“But there’s nothing there! What do you even remember?”

“I remember I was happy.” Tony faltered at the admission, averting his eyes away. It caught Steve off guard, to finally see him react to something he’d said. Steve hesitated, then, after a pause, “I know you keep saying you don’t remember anything, but-”

“...I was happy too.” Tony almost immediately interrupted, brown eyes now burning into Steve’s with an unmatched intensity.

Steve hesitated again, searching Tony’s face desperately for something, something he couldn’t name. “...So what’s the problem?”

“...it wasn’t real.”

_____________

“We’re gonna need the ring, Steve. Tony’s got to dismantle it if there’s any hope to restore your shield and his reactor.”

“Why’d they send you? Why can’t Tony ask for it back himself?”

“This isn’t about Tony, you know that.”

“Then why won’t he see me? Why can’t we talk about this?”

“...I’m trying, Steve, I really am, but...”

“...Fine. But I have to be the one to give it to him.”

_____________

He couldn’t look at Tony without a compulsion to hold him, he couldn’t hear his voice without longing to share with him his innermost feelings, he couldn’t even be in the same room as Tony without being overwhelmed by his intoxicating smell. His body ached to touch his skin, to taste him on his lips again, a taste that he used to think lasted days, but now knew it was a taste that faded too quickly, and could never, never, _never_ be strong enough. 

When he sensed Tony Stark, all his mind could hear was _I miss you I miss you I miss you..._

_____________

The weight of the ring was nearly imperceptible when it sat in his palm. It’s mate had been destroyed, it was the last of its kind. Forged as a symbol of unending love, created in tandem, it was now all that remained. Steve couldn’t resist any longer, he knew its time had come to return to the crucible from which it was born. The resolution nearing now felt more like a manipulation than anything else he was being told about what the Chitauri did to them, about how the piece of jewelry originated. Once dismantled, there would be no evidence of what he once had with Tony. They kept telling him, “things will go back to normal.” But Steve didn’t know where normal began, or how far back he’d have to go for them to say he’d found it. 

_____________

The pungent smell filled his mind. He couldn’t escape it. Steve let out a broken cry. _It’s supposed to be an endless circle...how can it have already found an end?_

_____________

He never noticed how frequently his left thumb brushed against the calloused underside of his third finger. The movement met no resistance, and with each subtle caress the tired hollowness ached in his heart. 

_____________

“It doesn’t mean _anything_. Everything you felt, everything you _thought_ you felt, it was all thanks to that microscopic foreign mind-controlling device. It was all for the Chitauri’s gain, it was all to destroy us. All you felt was a manipulation aimed to get us all _killed._ ”

He knew this, he knew this is what the Chitauri’s aim was, but he couldn’t help but feel like by revealing their trick, it would kill him, too.

_____________

“It is curious, though, a curious manifestation of the Chitauri’s strategy.”

“What do you mean, Thor? It’s mind control, what more’s to it?”

“The Chitauri are good at what they do, and are particularly adept with technology, you see. However, limitations do exist to their capabilities. Mind control only extends so far. If their aim was to weaken Stark and Captain Rogers through means of compromising their most formidable sources of power, the mind control should only be able to accomplish that end.”

“...are you saying, they can suggest an idea, control their mind only in that way, but…”

“The manifestation of the means to achieve that end cannot be fabricated by their technology.”

“So the wedding…and the rings...”

“Ah, yes, dear Agent Romanov, you understand my meaning exactly.”

_____________

Hand-in-hand, they entered the sterile office. The bright white color of the walls and furniture were unnerving to Steve since the first time he set foot in the medical bay. It was a somber mood, even though no one spoke a word.

“Alright, gentlemen, if you could, uh, just settle into these two beds right here, we’ll, uh, get started.” Bruce’s demeanor was timid and nervous, which was nothing new, but at a time like this, it was less than reassuring. They did as they were instructed, and climbed into two large hospital beds, side by side. There were two other staff hovering about, gaze completely averted, and Fury, who silently surveyed everyone present.

“Ok, so, you’re first going to get a light sedative intravenously, then, we’ll introduce the, uh, the toxin.”

Steve kept his eyes on Tony while the medical staff came to secure them with restraints dangling from the sides of their beds, but his subtle attempts to catch Tony’s attention failed miserably, as Tony only started determinedly at the ceiling.

Bruce approached, giving a quick glance at the restraints. “These really necessary, Bruce?” He gave a small jump to Tony’s gruff, biting question.

“Uh, sorry Tony, but yeah. You’ll be sedated in a moment, but I expect you to experience some involuntary convulsions while the toxin runs its course.”

“Thought you said it was _mild_.”

“It is, but it’s still a toxin, and I suspect your body will respond to it while it travels through your system.”

Tony didn’t respond, only continued to stare silently again above.

“Bruce, so you’re sure this will get rid of any Chitauri tech, if there is any?” Steve asked in a more hushed tone, even though he knew everyone in the room could hear him.

“Yes, I am confident this will disable what they embedded in you.”

Steve flinched at Bruce’s confidence, how could he be so sure about the alien tech controlling their decisions? “And, our memories…?”

Bruce let out a heavy sigh. “Yes, it is almost assured you will both experience memory loss of recent events. But you will have the whole team to help you both remember and piece back together what you need to know.”

Steve knew Bruce’s statement was said with his deepest intention to be kind, but the reality of what they were risking settled in his body like lead, heavy and metallic, foreign and unwanted. He didn’t have time to process it before Tony asserted impatiently, “If we’re doing this, let’s do it. Now.”

Bruce followed the blunt instruction and returned with his supplies. He placed an IV for Steve first, and then repeated for Tony. “Alright, first, you’ll be sedated and will go to sleep. Then, we’ll introduce the toxin. You’ll wake up in less than an hour and be able to recover here in about that much time. So, uh, see you soon, boys.”

Steve felt something icy slip into his veins from the crook of his inner arm. He felt it slowly travel along his arm, then cool began to radiate throughout his body, slowly spreading to fill his extremities and his core. He allowed his right arm to roll outwards, whispered Tony’s name, and felt fingers brush against the back of his hand. Awkward from the restraints, the men interlaced fingers. Steve could see Tony’s eyes grow heavy and his body grow limp as the effects of the sedative took hold. The unsurprising realization came slowly, but he knew he wasn’t falling asleep, and knew he wouldn’t. He never had to be subjected to anesthesia for surgery, but it wasn’t unexpected that due to the serum, it might be an impossibility for him to respond to the medicine as one would expect. Steve steadied himself for what was to come, and before he realized he wasn’t ready, a burning sensation tore through his body. It was a violent, uncontrollably reflex, and he felt his body curl up and flex burst inversely. A wave rolled through him, and never stopped. Looking to Tony, he could see the brunet shaking and convulsing. It was disturbing, unnatural, Tony’s body fighting the restraints, eyes closed, incoherent, no knowledge of what was happening. Pain spiked again, Steve was distracted from Tony, he clenched his right hand hard, and was almost distracted from the pain when a hand squeezed his in return. What were they doing? Why were they doing this? What were they about to lose?

A scream started forming in the back of his throat, he couldn’t release it, he didn’t want to, he fought it with every shaky fiber of his being, pain mounting and building and consuming him and - 

_____________

Steve pushed through the heavy metal doors leading to the helipad atop Avengers tower. The chill of wind shot through him, sobering him to the moment. What had he come up here to do? The looming shadow of the honest answer churned his stomach to sickness.

He walked with a determined pace, looping around the back to a secluded garden. A brunette was standing against a sleek railing, looking out upon the city. 

“Tony-”

“I’m not doing it, Steve.”

Arms crossed tightly across his chest, Steve bristled against the cold New York wind. “If the Chitauri left anything behind, anything at all, we have a responsibility to contain it. What did we do all of that recon for after the attack if not to control all of their tech?”

“That’s completely different!”

“How is an alien gun any different from potential mind control?”

“Getting rid of the alien guns doesn't require me to forget my wedding!” Tony spun around, face heated by anger and eyes misty. “Why would I risk this, Steve? Why would I risk you? I’ve wanted this my whole fucking life, to be happy and loved, and now Fury just thinks he can tell us we’ve been _compromised_ , and I have to give it all up? Let me tell you, I sure as fuck don’t feel compromised. I’m not even a goddamned Avenger and I’m losing everything because of it!”

Tony was shaking, sparse tears starting to trickle down his face. “Oh, _babe_ ,” Steve relaxed his arms and walked to Tony, wrapping him in a secure embrace. “I get it. You’ve been through so much. _So much,_ Tony.” Steve paused, strategizing carefully with how to proceed. He began to sway Tony gently as he continued to make his case. “I’ll always be here with you. You’ll _always_ have me. And, you know what they _can’t_ take?” He held his left hand up to Tony’s gaze, and then rested it heavily upon his heart. “You made this for me, for us. It’s a combination of the two of us. And after we take the toxin, if we have trouble remembering anything, we’ll have _this._ We’ll have _us_. We’ll have our wedding. No matter what they do to us, they’ll never take us apart.”

“Webster’s dictionary defines ‘wedding’ as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch…’” Steve started to look to Tony, confused at his response, before the brunet dismissed his statement. “Sorry, sorry, you won’t get that reference. But yeah, what I mean is, I’d like to see them try to take us apart.” His tone was fiery and convincing, but Steve still couldn’t catch Tony’s eyes.

“So...you’ll do it?”

Tony let out a heavy sigh. Tentatively, he bit at his lower lip, anguished, again and again, wrestling with a thought so loud Steve could almost feel the words vibrating on his skin. In the end, Tony’s control maintained. A decoy question was uttered instead, a veiled attempt to distract from the million-dollar question that would remain unanswered. “Did anyone take pictures?” His voice was strained. 

Steve was bewildered, and honestly didn’t know the answer. “Look, if we forget it, _if,_ we’ll do it again. Right here. Everything the same.”

“Except this time we’ll get a photographer.”

Steve held Tony securely, stifling the pang of worry growing in his gut. 

_____________

“It was mind control. It didn’t mean anything.” The brunet’s tone was firm, logical.

“Of course it did…” He couldn’t help but attempt to be soft, gentle, maybe that was what he needed to persuade him, to remind him of what he felt.

“How could it mean anything if I didn’t have a say in it?” Tony snapped in response.

“I didn’t have a say, either. But it happened, and now I can say what I want.” _Try again, try to be gentle..._

“We don’t even remember it! How could you know what you want if you don’t remember!” He was lashing out, he was spiraling, threatened, maybe the right push could get him to unravel...

“I feel it still, all of it. Don’t you?”

“I don’t want to.”

“But _can_ you? Can you still feel it?”

“...I don’t want to.”

“Tell me what you feel.” Tony faltered, hesitant. “I’ll tell you, too, just tell me, Tony, it can’t be bad, _it can’t be_.”

“All I feel you.” Tony turned away with his admission, and something betrayed Steve’s heart, something deep and wild lurched at Tony’s words, _hope, I think this is what they call hope…_

“Tell me what I feel like,” he dared, darkly, pressing, the betrayal surging him on.

“...home.” It was almost a whisper, merely a soft exhale, and Steve couldn’t be sure Tony himself had heard what he breathed out.

“Oh, Tony…” he began, his heart was swelling with this hope, this betrayal, he felt like he could just lean forward an inch and he would fall into this raging current, be carried away, safe and consumed, he was so close -

The startling clatter of metal rattled his core. Violent words scared away the hope blossoming inside his heart.

“Why the fuck does it feel like home if I never got a say in it? Why do they just get to _do_ that to me, take everything away, change everything, and I wake up thinking I’m in love! That’s _not_ how it works! It’s not real.”

“What you feel is real, Tony, it is, you have to trust yourself, trust me, I feel it too-” Steve tried to refute, to change his course of thinking, but Tony was gone, so far gone in his conviction. 

“It’s a false memory, Steve. That’s all it is. A manipulation. The doing of aliens. It’s not organic. And it’s not real.”

Steve uselessly extended a hand to ground the brunet, but he had slipped out of reach. Tony had approached the raging fire in the corner of the lab. All Steve saw was a glint of metal in a modest crucible before pungent fumes ensnared him.

_____________

“With this ring-”

“-I thee wed.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! 🖤


End file.
